Research and history have shown that men are often expected to adhere to masculine gender stereotypes. As a result, there becomes a cultural pressure for some men to present themselves in a certain manner to avoid receiving backlash for steering away from those expected stereotypes.
First launched in 2020, the I Am Athlete podcast hosted by former NFL players Brandon Marshall, Chad Johnson, Fred Taylor and Channing Crowder has highlighted athlete’s point of view on controversial topics such as this one. On the season 2-episode: Real Men Cry Too, the men discussed how there’s a stigma in society that men and young boys have to be tough and not show emotion.
“This conversation is important because we don’t do this. Men don’t do this,” Marshall said in the episode. “You know women do it naturally and to me it starts from childhood.”
Marshall continued to explain how starting from an early age, little girls are encouraged to express their emotions. Their feelings are always validated. For little boys, the same rules don’t apply as they are taught to shake it off, that boys don’t cry.
This experience was true for 21-year-old Hykeem Jean-Louis who felt that as a boy his feelings were not always validated.
“Me personally, what I experienced being younger just coming to my uncles or my mom about any situation I would mostly hear ‘that’s not what a boy is supposed to do, or ‘you’re supposed to be a man’, ‘there’s no reason for you to be acting like this’, ‘suck it up’,” Jean-Louis said.
This mentality then carries over into adulthood as it becomes hard to separate from the lessons learned in one’s upbringing. As a result, some men find it challenging to open up to others, including other men.
“Not everyone in your family is open. Even my sisters growing up… I love them to death but still growing up my emotions weren’t taken as seriously until I got older and actually had adult problems,” Jean-Louis said. “It takes a while for us to really build that trust with certain people to where we can actually communicate with them especially if most of your life crying or being upset about something or just having an opinion is not taken as seriously because you’re a man and you’re supposed to know how to already deal with that.”
The question then becomes where and how do men find spaces to be vulnerable and ultimately let go of societal norms?
For Justin Joyce, 31, a safe space is defined as “someplace where you can feel internally or externally safe, meaning that [one] can express or put whatever [they] feel out there and feel safe about doing so.”
Following the release of a snippet of the episode on social media, Twitter user SultanofSolo responded to the video saying that “there is no such thing as a safe space for men”. The tweet sparked controversy as users both men and women, commented with their opinions on the statement. One young woman expressed her opinion that “men do not allow a safe space with each other and that it is completely up to them to change that”.
“If women are saying you have to create or find out what a safe space looks like for you, yea that is true,” Joyce said. “You can find some middle ground but we’re all different and that mentality applies to safe spaces.”
Jean-Louis, on the other hand, disagreed with the young woman’s statement, expressing that he thought it showed a lack of support for men.
“If it was a group of females who had made the video it would have been more open for discussion and talked about in a ‘how can we fix this’ way,” Jean-Louis said.
It was too argued that women perpetuate societal stereotypes that don’t allow for men to have safe spaces. Lonnie Gillard, 23, shared his thoughts on the subject.
“Women play a role when it comes to this as well because like I said society has conditioned us to think that men are supposed to be super strong, masculine, don’t show any emotion type of guys and women are supposed to be more emotional and feminine,” Gillard said. “I do think to an extent that may have some truth to it but as a society we’ve evolved past those traditional norms. I believe everybody should just be themselves and some men need more emotional encouragement or need to express that part of themselves more than other men may need to, and I feel like women shouldn’t necessarily make men feel like they can’t do that.”
Gillard did admit that for a long time he played into societal gender norms as he held all of his emotions inside, believing he had no one to turn to at times, no safe spaces. Now as an adult, he disagrees.
“I think a lot about the importance of mental health as somebody who has dealt with depression and anxiety and different things like that… suicidal thoughts,” Gillard said. “I understand the importance of expressing your emotions, journaling and all that different stuff. I believe that being able to express your emotions and be vulnerable is a sign of strength, it doesn’t make you weak.”
This requires a shift in mindset and ultimately can lead to the creation of more safe spaces.
“As we get older we have to rewrite our code in a sense and teach ourselves that emotions are ok,” Jean-Louis said.
That rewriting may not come easily, but it can happen.
“It takes time,” Gillard said. Not every guy is going to be so open to talk about their emotions or feelings, but the more we do it, it becomes a habit. We start making it normal and then it won’t feel like such a big deal.”
